


punishment

by shotastic



Series: Sometimes i need to cry, too [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, M/M, Overworking, Protective Iwaizumi Hajime, Punishment, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Sacrifice, Starvation, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-21 11:14:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21298532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shotastic/pseuds/shotastic
Summary: oikawa tooru had a lot,a lot,of ways to punish himself.and he really needed someone to help him, to stop him,or else it'd never stop.tw for following things- disordered eating- unhealthy coping mechanism pls- different forms of self harm
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: Sometimes i need to cry, too [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1506062
Comments: 6
Kudos: 396





	punishment

"one more", oikawa muttered to himself as he reached out for another ball, only to feel nothing. he had again used up all thirty balls, this was the third time. his arm ached, his legs hurt from all the jumping, but it still wasn't enough. he had done so bad in today's practice, thus he had to practice more and more. 

another jump serve, another and one more. 

oikawa sighed and started picking up the balls, putting them all in place. his body didn't want to move anymore but he forced it do it nonetheless. "it's what i deserve", he muttered while grabbing a ball.   
and he served all the thirty balls again, ignoring his arm that threatened to fall off.

"oi, idiot." a voice called out to him, a voice he knew only too well. a voice he didn't want to hear, not now, not tomorrow.  
"everyone has showered and left already. don't you want to finish your private practice session now? i'd like to close the gym." iwaizumi was holding the key up, an annoyed look on his face.   
"leave the key here, i'll-"  
"shittykawa, it's already 11 pm. go home or i'll personally pull you out of this gym."  
iwaizumi was really angry with him.  
the thought of him possibly having done something wrong let oikawa's heart race and his fingertips tingle. in his mind there was only one thought, one single word.

punishment.

"iwa-chan, don't act so rude now! i'm done, i'll stop now." his whining nature was back, the carefree, confident oikawa tooru was back.

he had to be here, there was no way he could show anyone this... other side of him.

with a pout, he again began picking up the balls and putting them away as well as cleaning the gym.  
"you could've at least helped me a little, ya know."   
iwaizumi was closing the gym's door, suc  
cessfully ignoring his whining. "that was your punishment for staying back alone this late again, you crap guy."  
letting out a dramatic sigh, oikawa put his hand to his chest. "sincere and kind words, as always. what else did I expect from my iwa-chan?"  
rolling his eyes, iwaizumi only let out a huff as he shouldered his bag and started walking away. "let's go, i'll walk you home."

he couldn't.  
oikawa wasn't done.

punishment, punishment, punishment.

"you can't!"  
this had sounded a little more nervous than expected, so oikawa tried playing it off with a half hearted laugh. "i still have somewhere to go, so please head home first, iwa-chan."  
"but-", his friend had a lot of questions, but oikawa didn't have time.  
"leave, iwa-chan. we'll see us tomorrow,we'll get our essays back! i'm sure I did well,as always."  
and oikawa waved him goodbye, running off to the sports field to finally complete his punishment.

\---

it was nothing new that oikawa tooru was a perfectionist. and that he actually lacked more confidence than it seemed. truth was, oikawa always tried to better himself. even when there was no way he could do it any better. 

he tried to run faster, even though he knew he couldn't do it. 

he tried to serve better, even though he had reached his limit. 

he tried to get better grades, though he already knew he couldn't do better than this.

oikawa was a good student. 

iwaizumi and him were in the same university but in different faculties, iwaizumi studied nutrition and health, oikawa social studies.

the only class they shared was philosophy, and that only because oikawa had begged him to. philosophy was the only time he would actually see his friend, except if they shared their lunch breaks and during volleyball practice of course.

oikawa was a good student.

he was good with his words, he knew how to write out his thoughts, he knew how to form dramatically correct and complex sentences.   
he knew how to question philosophers interpretation, he knew how to perfectly argument and convince others that his opinion was the right one.

oikawa was a good student.

so why did he only get an average grade on his essay?

and the voice was there again.

punishment, punishment, punishment.

everytime oikawa would get back a "bad" grade, he would start skipping meals. because in his eyes, if his stomach was full there was no way he could concentrate well.  
so he enjoyed his aching stomach as he wrote down his notes, he enjoyed hearing it rumble and scream and cry and yell as he once again chugged down a cup of water, he enjoyed hearing it rip apart and die as he tried memorizing his notes.

"you're again skipping lunch."

but of course, iwaizumi didn't enjoy it.

"ah, i'm studying! I barely have time for lunch, iwa-chan." oikawa smiled and rubbed his head, hoping to ease the pain it was giving him.  
a side effect of starving yourself: a never ending headache.

"are you eating breakfast?"  
oikawa chuckled, closing his book as iwaizumi sat down next to him.  
their faculties shared a huge library, no wonder he had been able to find him here.  
"of course, who do you think i am?"

a lie.  
when was the last time he had breakfast?  
pancakes, rice, miso soup, eggs.

oikawa didn't remember.

it's been five days since he had gotten back his essay, though.  
so it's been five days.

"and dinner? after practice, you make sure to eat, right?"  
leaning his chin on his hand, oikawa started grinning. "is my iwa-chan worrying about me?"  
his iwaizumi blushed slightly, something oikawa really adored, and huffed. "i'm not, i just don't wanna deal with an ugly skeleton later, trashykawa."

an ugly skeleton, huh?  
oikawa didn't think he was ugly.  
but maybe, maybe iwaizumi was right.  
maybe, he would turn ugly.  
maybe he should-

punishment, punishment, punishment.

"I am eating dinner, I really just skip lunch sometimes, iwa-chan.", oikawa muttered and got up.

"then let's go out tonight!"

oikawa shook his head, sighing.

"I can't, i'm busy. see you at practice, iwaizumi."

just one more day, tomorrow i'll finally eat again.

\---

"oikawa, you messed up the order again!", he heard his co-worker yell at him as he tried controlling his shaking hands.   
he messed up again.

again.

oikawa worked in a cafe to pay for his studies and normally he loved it there. the atmosphere was kind, his co-workers were kind to him, his boss wasn't grumpy and the customers were polite.

but today just wasn't his day.

the whole time he could only think about food, it's been six days since he last had something. though he promised himself to eat today, there was no time for even a small snack. while working, he wasn't allowed to eat. and considering his shift started at 8 am, it was 12 pm currently, and he woke up at 7.45 am, which was way too late so he had to rush to work and still arrived 10 minutes later, 

and considering that his shift would end at 3 pm, oikawa would only be able to eat at maybe, 6 pm. after his afternoon classes.

his stomach didn't hurt anymore but god, was he feeling weak. he couldn't concentrate, couldn't talk back, he barely could breathe.

"i'm sorry", he whimpered quietly, "please forgive me."

punishment, punishment, punishment.

"yo, oikawa, are you alright?" matsukawa worked here too. they barely shared shifts but today was an exception, of course.  
matsukawa attended a different university, not too far away from his though, so they sometimes hung out.

and worked together.

"you look really pale and- holy shit you're shaking! are you sick? dude, you can't come to work like this", he whispered, his face just screamed ' you idiot'.   
chuckling, oikawa rubbed his neck. "it wasn't that bad this morning so i thought-"  
"you thought wrong, then. leave now, i'll tell the boss and cover for you. those three more hours are nothing for me.", matsukawa grinned and lightly pushed oikawa towards the coat stand, watching as he took off his apron and folded it carefully.  
"alright, alright. i'll leave, have some tea and just relax. but I'll come back as soon as I feel better, so don't miss me too much.", laughing, oikawa winked and waved goodbye as he left the cafe.

punishment, punishment, punishment. 

sometimes, oikawa would starve himself.

sometimes, he would eat.

and that's how he ended up in the grocery store, filling his cart with useless, unhealthy foods.  
pizza, crisps, chocolate, milk bread.  
jelly, ice cream, mochis.   
rice cakes, cookies, sushi.

he left the store with three bags full of food, a watering mouth and an aching heart.  
he didn't want to do this.  
starving already hurt a lot but bingeing? forcing himself to eat so much food? it hurt way more.

back in his apartment, oikawa immediately got started. shovelling cookies in his mouth, milk bread, some ice cream, too. his stomach already hurt so much, making him cry out in pain.

punishment, punishment, punishment.

some time later, all the food was gone. and oikawa was holding his stomach while crying becausethe pain was just unbearable.

and that's why he skipped his afternoon classes and spent the rest of the day laying on the floor, his legs up against the wall to ease the pain and calm his breathing.

iwaizumi, 6.43 pm : you're not coming ???

iwaizumi, 6.44 pm : shittykawa, answer your phone 

iwaizumi, 7.39 pm : you could've at least told me, idiot. it's irresponsible to leave your team hanging !

iwaizumi, 8.56 pm : just wanted to inform you that the coach wasn't too happy either. you're in the line-up for the next match but who knows if it stays that way.

iwaizumi, 10.21 pm : practice ended, i'm omw home. coach told me to tell you that tomorrow you'll have to do 100 serves and clean the gym after practice.

iwaizumi, 12.37 am : i'm worried, ok??? you've been hella weird,trashykawa. we'll see us tomorrow at lunch, don't make me force feed you.

iwaizumi, 12.37 am : goodnight.

\---

oikawa woke up in the same position he fell asleep in. legs pressed against the wall, laying down on the ground. his while body was aching as he slowly got up with a loud groan. "fuck, my whole body is tensed. god, this hurts."

would he skip classes again today?

"yes, yes he would.", oikawa muttered as he picked up his phone, a wave of guilt hitting him as scrolled through all the messages iwaizumi had sent him.

oikawa, 7.53 am : i'm sorry, iwa-chan!!!

oikawa, 7.53 am : i felt so sick yesterday, that's why I skipped classes :( i fell asleep very quickly too so i forgot to text you :((

oikawa, 7.54 am : i'll stay home today, too!! please tell the coach that i'm really sorry <33

oikawa, 7.55 : also you're worried? how cute iwa-chan <333

sighing, oikawa tossed his phone away. he stretched a little, rubbed his stomach and yawned loudly.   
after yesterday, he was bloated. he looked like a pregnant woman, actually. 

could men become pregnant?

"not in this universe, you idiot.", he muttered as he slapped his face once.

punishment, punishment, punishment.

shaking his head furiously, oikawa kneed down. "no, i didn't do anything wrong. please let me rest today, please.", he whimpered.

punishment, punishment, punishment.

his fingertips started tingling, his body moved without his consent.   
crying silently,oikawa walked to the bathroom and filled the tub ice cold water.  
"i need to be punished. i need to be better but god, how does this help in any way?", whimpering, oikawa nibbled on his thumb, watching as the water filled the tub more and more.

iwaizumi, 8.12 am : you sure are ok???

iwaizumi, 8.13 am : messaged the coach, he says get well soon

iwaizumi, 8.20 am : i'm omw, I'll be there in 20 

his body already shivered when oikawa started to take off his clothes and turned off the water. "how long do i have to bathe? not too long, I've already learnt my lesson...", he whimpered as he slowly put one foot into the water, balling his fists and shutting his eyes as he ice cold water touched his skin.

it hurt. it serioulsy hurt.

but oikawa couldn't stop, he wasn't allowed to.

punishment, punishment, punishment.

when he stood in the water, he slowly sat down.  
and when the water touched his thighs and stomach, oikawa gripped the edge of the tub and screamed, the tears kept rolling down cheeks.

iwaizumi, 8.45 am : i'm almost there,bought soup on the way here. and some milk bread, that's alright, yeah?

iwaizumi, 8.55 am : i rang the bell, aren't you home?

iwaizumi, 9.00 am : the neighbour opened the door for me, just so you know.

oikawa had been in the tub for 15 long minutes, his whole lower body felt numb and honestly, he didn't feel that cold anymore. he just felt the endless pain and heard his own sobs.

oh, and iwaizumi calling out to him.

"oikawa! you idiot, your lips are turning- yah why is the water so cold? get out of there!" 

strong arms lifted him out of the tub and let him down on his fluffy, turquoise carpet. oikawa's face turned a deep shade of red when he realised that he was sitting in front of iwaizumi, naked.  
completely bare.  
in front of iwaizumi.  
his iwaizumi.  
with his skinny thighs and arms and his way too defined collarbones and his bloated belly.  
with tears and snot on his face, red puffy eyes.  
iwaizumi could see everything. he could now see the weak person oikawa tried so hard to hide.

"you're way too cold now, god why...", iwaizumi mumbled and took off his hoodie, pulling it over oikawa's head. "here, that's a lot warmer. uh, your pants..." he looked around, quickly noticing the pair of grey sweatpants and black underwear. "ah, here put that on. can you move your legs?" gently pinching his thigh and not getting any reaction, iwaizumi sighed. "can't, huh?" 

so oikawa got dressed by his best friend.  
or crush?  
both.

and he got carried to his bed by him, even though he told him multiple times that he was way too heavy to be carried.  
"you aren't heavy at all, shittykawa. you ate too much yesterday, huh? figured that.", iwaizumi said as he pulled the blankets over oikawa's body. "you left all the wrappers in the kitchen. did you seriously eat all of that? after literally starving yourself?"  
iwaizumi sat on the edge of the bed, wiping his friend's face clean with a tissue.

"I knew you were a perfectionist, but why would you go to such an extreme?", he mumbled as he ran his hands through oikawa's brown locks.

and oikawa tooru knew he had to stop. he knew he had to listen to what his friend was telling him, he knew he should say anything.  
explain it.  
confess his insecurities.  
cry and ask for help.

but the only thought in his head was:

punishment, punishment, punishment.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm thinking about doing a part two of this, focusing on oikawa getting better and his relationship to iwaizumi.   
leave some kudos and comments if you want to have a part two.


End file.
